biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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