Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
