The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Can I color on your dick again?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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