I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
