Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Let's get the cat blown out
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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