I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
