if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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