Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
