pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
