Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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