3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
