if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
