I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
