ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
