My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
