I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
