If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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