her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
