Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
