Just fell off a train. Bad.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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