I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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