I accidentally had phone sex last night
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.