...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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