I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
