i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
