mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
