I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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