Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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