Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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