I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize