If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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