you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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