I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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