Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
