I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
