When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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