My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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