I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
