When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
