3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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