He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
