Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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