I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
