Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i think my tv is drunk
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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