I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
