thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
