so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
