I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize
