last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
