Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
