I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
