Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
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so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize