I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
