guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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