I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
