if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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