when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
