Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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