so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
