yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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