whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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